Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
