this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
