Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
