I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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