Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
