I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
