Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
