The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
