I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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