I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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