A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
