then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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