omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
