Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
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I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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