and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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