Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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