That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
