I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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