Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Sorry my hands just texted you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
