I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
