Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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