he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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