Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
