I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
