Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
