Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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