I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
