I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My cat gives me a boner
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
