K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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