I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
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I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't notice because vodka
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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