My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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