Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
