I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
