I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
