dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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