her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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