How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
