Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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