Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
