Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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