It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
