Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't want my vagina anymore.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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