i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
