somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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