This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Be still, my beating vagina.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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