Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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