I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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