I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
