My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
