Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
