I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
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being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
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We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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