Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
last night I used snow as a chaser
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