Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
