1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize