whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
