1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
