I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
