Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
