I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
