Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You ruined the universe
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
