I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
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Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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