allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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