In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
