i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
