Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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